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4.52pm: Wigan Athletic have secured the scrawl of Bolivian striker Marcelo Moreno from Shakhtar Donetsk on loan until the end of the season, subject to visa and international clearance.
4.50pm: Benjani is being linked with a move from Manchester City to Sunderland, but only has 10 minutes to get to the Stadium of Light unless he wants to end up with his nose pressed up against the glass of a firmly closed transfer window.
4.47pm: "Apparently Tranmere have signed Watford striker Marvin Sordell on a one month loan deal," writes David Penfold, who is first with all the big, big transfer news.
4.45pm: You can see a full list of all today's transfer deals [Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register].
4.38pm: A quick update of what's been going on so far ...
Victor Moses has left Crystal Palace and signed a three-and-a-bhalf year deal with Wigan.
David Healy and Daryl Murphy have gone to Ipswich opn loan from Sunderland.
Chelsea youngster Jack Cork has gone to Burnley on loan.
Daniel Cousin has left Hull City for Greek side Larrissa
Stefano Okaka and Nicky Shorey have signed for Fulham.
Geremi has left Newcastle for some Turkish club I can't spell and don't have time to look up.
Marcus Bent has gone to QPR on loan, as has Tamas Priskin.
Stephen Hunt has not signed for Wolves from Hull City.
Mirko Vucinic was eating pastries in a car on Upper Street in Islington and is now allegedly necking lager in the Famous Cock next to Highbury and Islington Tube.
4.36pm: "How could Mirko Vucinic be in the Famous Cock when the Famous Cock has just signed for West Ham?" asks Colin Greer.
4.34pm: "Well, what a close we're having to the transfer window," exhults excitable Scot Jim White on Sky Sports News, before undermining himself ever so slightly by revealing that he's alluding to events at Upton Park, where Mido and Benni McCarthy have signed for West Ham, and that Brazilian striker Ilan has agreed terms.
4.33pm: "Adam 'sat nav' Jackson has got his north london streets mixed up," writes Will Morrison. "It's a 3 minute drive from where upper street meets holloway road (at highbury corner) to the emirates. I trust this resolves the confusion and sarcastic travel requests?"
4.32pm: "Would it be fair to say that the lack of updates on Marko Vucinic's trek to the Emirates is a sign that he has failed his medical by not arriving on time?" asks Ben Smith. "Of course, it is possible that he gave up and went for a swift half in the Famous Cock next to Highbury and Islington Tube."
4.31pm: Oh behave.
4.29pm: I had the news of David Healy's move to Ipswich "out there" before Sky Sports News. Pardon me while I go and blow a lengthy solo on my own trumpet.
4.26pm: Gary Cotterill is standing outside West Ham for Sky Sports News and has just confirmed that Mido has signed a four-month loan deal for West Ham United. Apparently he's prepared to pay for £1,000-per-week so he "can prove a point" and show he's a decent player. Footage showing him coming and going from Upton Park reveal him to be in surprisingly svelte shape.
4.22pm: Sunderland striker David Healy is rumoured to have gone to Ipswich Town for the rest of the season, while Doncaster Rovers have rejected a bid from Preston North End for their captain, the Sunderland old boy Martin Woods.
4.17pm: Here's your daily dose of football "fun", [Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register], which I've been busily typing with the hand I'm not using to churn out this transfer window-related nonsense. If you're not already a subscriber, please sign up this afternoon and forward it on to your mates ... or, more appropriately, people you really, really, really don't like.
4.16pm: "I'd be interested to know (well, moderately interested) if clubs signing players with double-barrelled names is a portent that the recession is over," asks Marco Bonfiglio. "Leaving aside space considerations, purchasing a Troy Archibald-Henville replica shirt isn't an impulse buy, is it? And does anyone know if clubs charge for the hyphen?"
4.12pm: Having turned down a £3m bid from Stoke for Asmir Begovic, Portsmouth are now cautiously optimistic that they can offload the Bosnian goalkeeper to Chelsea in a move that would force Carlo Ancelotti to run naked around the training ground as a forfeit for breaking his promise that Chelsea wouldn't buy anyone in this transfer window.
4.11pm: Just 49 minutes to go until the transfer window slams shut and it's all kicking off: "If Chris 'Money-bags' Burrows is happy to pay Adam 'Sat-nav' Jackson £3 each way from Essex Road to Waterloo, rather than £1.20 on the 341, would he mind me hopping in as well and dropping me on the Strand?" asks David Hopkins.
4.08pm: Right, enough already with the toff footballers - my in-box is groaning under the strain of all your correspondence and my colleague James Dart has just revealed that [Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register]. What a huge surprise that is, eh?
4.05pm: Sunderland centre-half Nyron "Nugsy" Nosworthy has signed on loan for Sheffield United, while Alan Hutton is still loitering around the Stadium of Light, waiting to ink a loan deal of his own. Elsewhere in the north-east, Middlesbrough manager Gordon Strachan is being linked with Celtic's Scott McDonald and Blackpool's Charlie Adam.
4.04pm: A zinger, from Ryan Winchester. "Apparently Manchester City want to take John Terry to Manchester City as cover for Wayne Bridge," he writes. "Let's be honest, we already know he can step in and do a better job."
4pm: For those of you enquiring if there'll be an episode of our Football Weekly podcast today, I'm afraid the bad news is that there will be. It was recorded earlier this afternoon and will be along shortly, as soon as our guest-producer has cut and spliced it into coherence. Don't hold your breath, in other words. Although, thanks to the threes of you who've written in to inform me that Matthew Barnes-Homer actually plays for Luton Town, not Kidderminster Harriers, as I erroneously reported. To be honest, I thought the fact that I was even aware of his existence was fairly impressive, I can't be expected to know that he's moved on since I first heard of him.
3.58pm: "If Adam 'Sat-nav' Jackson can get from the bottom end of Upper Street to The Emirates in 3 minutes can I ask if he is currently employed," writes Chris Burrows. "If not, would he like to take me to work and back every day? I travel from the far end of Essex road to Waterloo. For this i will pay him a generous £30 p/h (before tax). Using his calculations as a guide line it should only take about 6 mins each way so his daily wage would be £6."
3.54pm: "Arsenal reserve [Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register] has great potential to make it on to your Toffs XI," writes Richard Walsh, while Grace Pickering would like to nominate Carlisle United's Marc Bridge-Wilkinson for consideration "what with the double-barrelled surname and spelling his name with a fancy, Euro-style C instead of a K?"
3.50pm: "Re: toff footballers," writes Chris Paston, who's only one barrel worth of surname and some physical co-ordination away from being one himself. "What about Sheffield United youngster Troy Pennycooke-Morgan?" In a far less interesting revelation, Chris goes on to add that Nyron Nosworthy and Toni Kallio are signing for the Blades on loan this afternoon.
3.48pm: Portsmouth goalkeeper Asmir Begovic's proposed £3m move to Stoke City has fallen through. I heard somebody saying why about 10 seconds ago and have completely forgotten already. Sorry about that.
3.45pm: Leicester have signed Ipswich defender Alex Bruce on loan, while young Liverpool full-back Christopher Buchtmann has signed for Fulham, which means James Beattie won't, according to Jim White on Sky Sports News. There's no animosity between Beattie and Buchtmann that I'm aware of, it's just Roy Hodgson has done enough wheeler-dealing today and he's off home for a nap.
3.41pm: "Since it's more interesting than the transfer window, I'd like to throw Histon's Nathaniel Knight-Percival into the footballers-with-posh-names hat," writes Matt Hindle, who may have meant to say he'd like to throw the (presumably top) hat of Histon's Nathaniel Knight-Percival into the ring. Rest assured I'll be Googling all these toff footballers, so don't try to slip any made-up ones under the radar. I'm nothing if not professional.
3.39pm: Crystal Palace defender Nathaniel Clyne has turned down a move to Wolves, the ingrate. Nicky Shorey isn't so picky - he's moved to Fulham from Aston Villa, but that's old news.
"Re: Mirko Vucinic having to leg it to The Emirates," writes somebody who wants to be called Victor Smythe-Goldwin, because they're emailing from work and don't want to get caught by using their real name. "Is this an example of Arsenal saving cash on transfer dealings with a cheap medical? If he can reach the ground in time to sign the contract he has proven he is fit enough."
3.35pm: "Troy Archibald-Henville's probably the poshest sounding footballer since Forbes Phillipson-Masters , who I think played for Southampton in the 1970s/80s," writes Rob Morgan. "When Baddiel & Skinner did that Fantasy Football show , they brought him on and made him wear a monocle. I say 'made him' - I suppose it's possible that he wore one anyway."
3.32pm: I know that the [Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register] is an occasional reader of our transfer deadline day rolling reports, so I'd imagine that he's currently gripped by the ongoing saga of pastry-eating Montenegran Mirko Vucinic's dash from Upper Street in Islington to the Emirates. I believe Dara is on tour in Ireland at the moent and was lucky enough to miss yesterday's Arsenal horror show. Sunshine fans, eh?
3.29pm: "From where Upper Street meets Essex Road its like a three-minute car journey to the Emirates," writes Adam "Sat-nav" Jackson. "The traffic is never too bad on upper street so I think Mirko Vucinic might have time. Then again he could be going to Tottenham or Leyton Orient. Probably the O's."
3.27pm: Apologies if I'm repeating anything that's been reported before - heaven forbid! - but the Sky Sports Ticker of Doom is now reported that Sunderland have enquired about Portsmouth goalkeeper David James, last spotted at the City of Manchester Stadium yesterday afternoon, sporting corn-rows and an arresting magenta strip in a frantic bid to draw attention to himself before the transfer window inched shut.
3.25pm: Robbie Keane's Wikipedia page now claims that he was the leader of the labour party and that he's dead!" writes Chris Warne. "Shocking news, but that probably wouldn't stop him having more charisma than the current leader."
3.23pm: I'm surprised more hasn't been made of Troy Archibald-Henville's move from Spurs to Exeter City. Is he the poshest sounding footballer since ... well, ever? He certainly knocks Kidderminster Harriers striker Matthew Barnes-Homer into a cocked hat.
3.21pm: "If that really was Mirko Vucinic eating a pain-aux-raisins on Upper Street I doubt he'll be signing for Arsenal today," writes Adrian Cooper. "He may only be a mile away from the Emirates but the traffic round there is awful (due to the convergence of Upper Street not only with Essex Road but also with Liverpool Road and Pentoville Road. A lot of articulated buses about as well). If he means business he'll have to jump out of the car and leg it if he has any chance of getting there before the 5pm deadline." Run Mirko! Run like the wind!
3.18pm: "Just to give you a head's up," emails Karl Waters. "I'm living next door to Steve Finnan's old man in Limerick and he told me that Steve has had enough of the palaver at Portsmouth and is currently in talks with Dutch outfit FC Twente with a view to signing before the end of the day." Hmmm ... somebody living in Limerick who has an internet connection? I'm not having that. If Karl's tittle-tattle had arrived on a piece of paper attached to a pigeon's leg it would be a lot more believable.
3.15pm: Irish comedian Dylan Moran is on television fielding questions about Hull City's rejection of a £5m bid for his services from Wolverhampton Wanderers. "I'm happy to stay here," he says, somewhat unconvincingly if you ask me.
3.13pm: "I'm almost certain I just saw Roma's Mirko Vucinic eating a pain-aux-raisins in the back of a Jaguar limo on Upper Street," reveals Richard Scannell.
3.10pm: I can reveal, courtesy of an unidentified Sky Sports News reporter standing beside a snowy field in the north-west of England that Middlesbrough winger Adam Johnson is now in Manchester. Of course the set of Coronation Street is also in Manchester, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's about to sign for Manchester City. Let's wait and see how this one develops. I can't wait.
3.09pm: "Just to start you off this afternoon, reports in Germany say Dusko Tosic has allowed his transfer from Bremen to Duisburg to collapse so he can move to the EPL," writes Derek Wilson. "I don't know to which team yet, but he's crap anyway." That'll probably be Sunderland, then.
3.06pm: If you happen to be on the road between Teesside and Manchester, keep your eyes peeled for Middlesbrough winger, who is reportedly on the road to Eastlands, where he'll ink a juicy contract with Manchester City.
3.03pm: Good afternoon, everybody. It's easy to make fun of Sky SPorts News reporters such as Andy Burton, Craig Slater and David Craig for standing like dogging enthusiasts in cold car-parks around the country, peering in the windows of vehicles to see which player is about to alight with a designer wash-bag clutched under his arm, but at least they're out there at the transfer deadline day coal-face, while I'm sitting in a London office, piggy-backing their heroic work. I want the Andy Burtons, Craig Slaters and David Craigs of this world to know that I appreciate their heroic efforts and salute them accordingly.
3.00pm: And with that, I'm making a transfer of my own, from Guardian Towers to My House. Barry Glendenning will be with you in a moment.
2.57pm: Ex-Watford double bill: Tamas Priskin has moved from Ipswich to QPR on loan, and Jack Cork, who's quite good, has gone on loan to Burnley from Chelsea.
2.54pm: No genuine, not-blatantly-invented rumours involving Manchester United, Chelsea, Arsenal or Liverpool all day, excluding very young people joining lower division sides on loan. It's clearly not the biggest day on the football calendar for any of those sides. Robbie Keane's wikipedia entry has been edited 24 times in the last half-hour.
2.52pm: Robbie Keane "is currently on his way to Tesco's, as he is out of milk", and then "is currently on his way to the Labour party to become leader, making it his first spell as the prime minister." Enough now, surely. "I hope he's not checking his entry today to see to which club the board are sending him to, "writes Adrian Cooper. "He will have wasted a fortune in RyanAir cancellation charges by now if so."
2.46pm: Robbie Keane wikipedia update! We've passed through "He is currently on his way to McLaren for the remainder of the season on loan. This would be his first spell in Formula One." and are currently at "He is currently on his way to Tottenham Hotspur for the remainder of the season on loan. This will be his first spell on loan at a club which he is actually signed for anyway."
2.38pm: Middlesbrough have accepted Manchester City's bid for Adam Johnson! Meanwhile, I'm told that since I mentioned Robbie Keane's Wikipedia entry at 2.14 it has been changed several times, including at one point claiming he was about to join Meadowbank Thistle on loan. "This would be his first spell at a club not currently in existence," it reported. He's currently on his way to Tranmere.
2.35pm: "I think Arsene Wenger is trying to beat Exeter City's record!" says Steven Cochrane. "Only problem is they will be playing each other by the time he surpasses them."
2.34pm: Genuine transfer news! Leon Best has passed his medical and signed for Newcastle, and Daniel Cousin has left Hull City to join Greek side Larissa on loan until the end of the season.
2.32pm: "I'm quite honestly bemused that Braafheid hasn't gone anywhere better than Celtic," writes William Georgi. "He was absolute quality at Twente last season, and on yesterday's form he couldn't do much worse than take over from Clichy until Keiron Gibbs gets fit..."
2.26pm: I'm sure Edson Braafheid's arrival at Celtic on loan from Bayern Munich will prove a great success for player and club, but I'm surprised that the reason the left-back wanted to make the move was to boost his World Cup chances. So I'm opening it to the floor *what do you reckon?
2.22pm: "Have Exeter really not paid for a player for six years?" ponders Adrian Cooper. "Should Rafa do one to Juve in the summer, would this qualify Paul Tisdale to be the Liverpool board's number choice to come in as their next manager?"
2.19pm: "I have just seen the entire Stoke first team squad in Sunderland!" squeels Damien. "Now that's a transfer story."
2.18pm: Egyptian club ENPPI have turned down another offer from Sunderland for winger Ahmed Al-Muhammadi, according to the player's agent. "Sunderland offered £2m plus 20% of the next sale," Nader Shawki said. "He is keen to make the move. He wants to play in England and knows that Sunderland are a good side. We hope we can find a solution with the board soon."
2.14pm: Niall Harden reports that [Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register] currently says that he is "on his way to Liverpool for the remainder of the season on loan". Niall Harden might have written that into the Wikipedia page himself, of course, but there's a chance that it's there because it's a genuine fact.
2.12pm: "I'm getting stressed," worries Ian Burnip. "Why aren't Villa doing anything in the market other than letting people go. Martin O'Neill keeps his cards close to his chest, i know, but it doesn't look like he's holding any cards at all. He needs to get someone in, we need a striker - not Owen, he's no better than Agbonlahor (who is pants 98.5% of the time)." I don't suppose anyone's walked past the Aston Villa car park recently?
2.09pm: Exeter City have paid their first transfer fee in more than six years to make defender Troy Archibald-Henville's recent loan move from Spurs permanent, reports an excited Martin Axon.
2.07pm: Ken Williams has heard from "a good friend in Madrid" that "Real have agreed to drop their interest in [Racing Santander wonderkid Sergio] [Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register] to allow him to go to Man U in exchange for first refusal on Vidic". Hmm, so which would Real Madrid rather have, a Spanish attacking prodigy or the possibility of signing a 28-year-old Serbian centre-back?
2.03pm: Portsmouth have rejected a bid from Stoke for Asmir Begovic, and are considering reporting Stoke to the Premier League for tapping-up-related crimes.
2.01pm: Glenn B has "just seen Darren Ambrose talking to Lee Strafford in Hillsborough car park", while Adam Jackson has just flown from Barcelona to Liverpool "I didn't see him on their but there were rumours of David Villa being on the same plane".
1.59pm: Genuine transfer news: David Nugent has returned to Burnley for the remainder of the season, Akpo Sodje will play alongside his brother Sam at Charlton after a move from Sheffield Wednesday, and Portsmouth reckon they've got enough money to pay Manuel Fernandes if they sign him on loan from Valencia.
1.52pm: "My sunday team have signed 'Raf'," blasts Richard Duncombe. "Don't know if that's his full name but been to training last two weeks and looks decent. Plays in the Steve Stone mould."
1.48pm: Scotty G has "seen Nyron Nosworthy talking to our chairman in the car park" at Bramall Lane!
1.46pm: I'm back, and I've got the baked potato to prove it!
1.38pm: A triple newsflash: 1) West Ham[Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register] Benni McCarthy's arrival from Blackburn; 2) "My friend is the guy who dresses as the mascot at Plymouth Argyle and he has txt to confirm he's seen Dickmar Van Nostrilboy in the Home Park board room, pen at the ready to sign the dotted line!" writes Chris Warne; 3) I'm going to slope off for approximately 7.3 minutes to buy some lunch.
1.33pm: "Do days like this not just prove that a rolling news network dedicated to sport is perhaps the most superfluous addition to our ever-increasing roster of television channels?" asks James Smith. "Closing an actual window is more exciting than the closing of the transfer window." Well, you may very well think so. Me, I hear Leon Best is having a medical at Newcastle right now. So genuinely exciting things do happen, even today.
1.32pm: Adam Johnson has been training with Middlesbrough today, even though there is a "wall of silence" at the club concerning Manchester City's bid for the winger. "I'd just like to say how disappointed I am that one of the highlights of the football calendar is being absurdly over-hyped by somebody on Sky. Who on earth do they think they are?!" flaberghasts Peter Hicks.
1.27pm: And West Ham want to sign Mido. No, really, they do. Sky said so.
1.26pm: "Robko Byalov at Southampton?" writes Steve Turner. "Reminds me of the occasion Benitez was 'phoned by an agent asking if he was interested in a Russian player Khan Bymelov. Apparently Rafa's response was 'No no no. No'"
1.19pm: "Why all this sympathy for Warnock?" fumes Roger Pearson. "He seems to have conveniently forgotten that as manager of Sheffield United he 'stole' Paddy Kenny from Bury when the club was in administration for a mere £40k. We got that much for Lee Dixon in the 80s when the fee was fixed by tribunal and we were ripped off then! What goes around comes around Colin!"
1.08pm: You heard it here first: official! Nicky Shorey has joined Fulham on loan from Aston Villa until the end of the season. And Kyle Naughton has sealed a similarly loanish move from Spurs to Middlesbrough.
1.05pm: According to Sky today is "one of the highlights of the football calendar". Is this true?
12.53pm: "My father is the cleaner at Southampton's training ground," says Robin White. "There's a Bulgarian lad there called Robko Byalov being put through a medical, apparently." There you are, you heard it here first. If it's true. Which it almost certainly isn't.
12.51pm: Nathaniel Clyne has turned down a move to Wolves, I'm told. Which will please everyone at Crystal Palace who isn't an administrator.
12.46pm: "The first mention Chelsea get and it's Mateja bloody Kezman! Is there not even a rumourlet out there?" asks Julian Menz. Didn't Carlo Ancelotti promise to strip naked and run around the club's training ground if they signed anyone this month? Not such a surprise, then. Sky, meanwhile, report that Wolves won't be increasing their bid for Hunt.
12.42pm: Talking of Wolves, Hull have rejected their £5m bid for Stephen Hunt. And McDonald Mariga has had his work permit application turned down, so he won't be moving to Manchester City.
12.41pm: John Byford reveals that the Premier League club who Neil Warnock said "offered £1.5m for Nathaniel Clyne and Victor Moses" was Wolves. Booo!
12.38pm: Watford have rejected Tottenham's request to take Scott Loach on loan with a view to a permanent move. As the Sky reporter outside Tottenham's training ground was relaying this information, a rubbish lorry was seen reversing through the gates. Presumably delivering the rest of the Portsmouth squad.
12.35pm: Ilan has arrived at West Ham to finalise his move from St Etienne.
12.33pm: Niall Quinn, interviewed through his car window on Sky Sports, says the transfer window is "just crazy". And he doesn't even have to do a minute-by-minute semi-humorous update on it!
12.26pm: "News in Norwich is that Wes Hoolahan is going to Hull for £2.5m to replace the outgoing Stephen Hunt," writes Tom Russell. Or Russell Tom, it really is quite hard to tell.
12.21pm: Peterborough United have [Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register] in the shape of Mark Cooper, who won one and lost eight of his 13 games just 13 games! with Posh.
12.16pm: Former Chelsea striker Mateja Kezman is a target for Portsmouth and West Ham, I'm hearing.
12.16pm: Why isn't everyone bidding for Adam Johnson? He's super. And has been for a few years, for that matter. Manchester City want him, but what about everyone else?
12.13pm:Marcus Bent has joined QPR on loan for the remainder of the season - fact!
12.13pm: New Fulham striker Stefano Okaka has spoken! "To have a leap in quality, it is crucial for me to go to England and play in the Premier League. I hope I can return stronger than before. The loan deal expires in June but there is the option to remain there for a further year. We shall see." And Real Valladolid have sacked their manager, Josι Luis Mendilibar.
12.11pm: The English transfer deadline is at 5pm, but the Scottish transfer deadline is at midnight tonight. Where's the justice in that? Come on Premier League, you've still got time to get this to the Court of Arbitration for Sport if you act now!
12.09pm: James Beattie might go to Fulham instead of Sunderland or any of the other places he's supposed to be going to, say Sky Sports.
12.06pm: "I live in Sweden and I can confirm that the Henrik Larsson-Notts County-stuff is pure [dirty word involving male bovine mammals and their excrement deleted]," reports Jonas Hansson. So that's us told.
12.05pm: Roman Pavlyuchenko is at Tottenham's training ground, training. So he's not at Birmingham, then.
12.04pm: "Radio Tay in Dundee reporting Dundee United have signed a Uruguyan striker called Walter Rojas. Radio Tay confidently say he's a wonderkid, not quite sure how they know that. Nominal fee," reports Bob Swankie. It would be an astonishing move, United having bought an Argentinian of that name in the early 1990s who turned out to be rubbish. What are the odds of there being two of them?
12.01pm: It's midday! The morning's over, the clock's ticking, just one short afternoon of transfer action to go and the excitement is uncontainable! Less than five hours, and counting...
12.00pm: Nicky Shorey has signed for Fulham on loan, I'm told by Silver Fox. Confirmation when I get it.
11.55am: "Henrik Larsson is on the verge of signing for Notts County in a short-term deal that will keep him until the summer as a player/manager according to two of Sweden's biggest newspapers," reports David Sundin.
11.52am: Mcdonald Mariga's move to Manchester is on hold pending the FA's decision to award a work permit to the 20-year-old Kenyan, according to Parma.
11.51am: Lots of people are wondering what would have happened if [Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register] had come off in the summer, given recent tabloid-based news. "Is there enough material for MBMs on Deadline Day?" asks Gary Naylor. "Probably not so why not make some up? John Terry to Manchester City? 'I've been there, seen it and I've bought up all the T-shirts'. Ken Dodd to take on coaching duties at Arsenal? 'He knows how to get the best out of diddymen' says Arsθne. David Beckham to RADA? 'Victoria insisted'."
11.47am: Brendan McCarthy seems to think that Younes Kaboul looks a bit like The Rock. And he seems to have a point... (That is The Rock, isn't it?)
11.42am: Okaka's
was quite good, if anyone still hasn't seen it.
11.40am: Someone called Michael Owen says: "The York confectionery firm has brought in Wayne Bridge to replace Dawn French in the Chocolate Orange ads: 'It's not Terry's, it's mine!' I'll get my coat." Stefano Okaka's loan move to Fulham has been confirmed.
11.33am: "Given the paucity of of real transfer news out there how about we establish an alternative window whereby you publish reader's emails in the expectation that at least some of their bosses will also be watching," writes Jonathan McCauley-Oliver. "The potential for immediate transfers will then become real with other bosses making live bids. This could be enhanced by your readers specifiying their current job and one they'd much rather do." Not a bad idea, but one that will have to be followed-up by Simon Burnton, who'll be joining this little shindig imminently.
11.28am: Liverpool have sold17-year-old defender Christopher Buchtmann to Fulham for £100,000. [Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register].
11.25am: "My mate just text me to say he'd seen you John Ashdown, loitering outside Upton Park," writes Niall Finnegan. "He reckons you're the man Zola wants to fire West Ham to safety. Any truth in this?" Nah - I'm far more of a Beckenbauer-type player, what with my injury record. Anyway, news from Portsmouth: neither David James or Asmir Begovic have joined Pompey for training today according to Sky's Man At Fratton.
11.20am: "THE SANDWICH MAN HAS ARRIVED AT OUR OFFICE!" screams Adrian Cooper. "ON HIS BIKE WITH ONE THOSE TRAILER THINGS ATTACHED TO THE BACK! Admittedly not that likely to cause shockwaves across the world of football but it does mean that I can have some breakfast at last. It's probably fair to Diomansy Kamara is unlikely to have such an instant impact at Celtic as my first diet Coke of the day is having on me." First? Surely having more than one negates the effect of the 'diet' aspect?
11.16am: Is there going to be any wheeling and dealing in Bolton? "Are we finished doing business? Who knows?" says Owen Coyle, answering a question with a question. [Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register] and Galatasaray.
11.13am: Thomas Hitzlsperger has swapped Stuttgart for Lazio according to the German club. And, in more made-up names news, Kes Devaal (10.52am) doesn't seem to exist. Still, it wouldn't be deadline day without a couple of imaginary transfer targets.
11.11am: "MOSES IN PROMISED LAND" screams Wigan's headline, slightly overplaying the grandeur of the JJB. Moses has signed a three and a half year deal with the Latics. "He is a special talent," says Roberto Martinez. "You can see that straight away."
11.07am: "LEON BEST HAS ARRIVED AT NEWCASTLE IN A CAR!" Sky's Man In The Snow At The Stadium Of Light is getting very excited indeed.
11.06am: "I have just seen Leroy Lita outside Bristol Temple Meads station wearing a white puffer jacket and shades," writes Jimmy in Bristol. "In a most extraordinary example of the madness of the transfer merri-go round, with former Bristol City flop Lee Miller joining Boro, Strachan is seemingly willing to let former Bristol City hero Lita re-join the Robins until the end of the season."
11.05am: SIGNED, SEALED AND DELIVERED. Wigan have confirmed the signing of Victor Moses from Crystal Palace on a three-and-a-half-year deal.
11.04am: Now I've fixed the link at the top, the emails are pouring in. Here's one about Brian Laws dressed up as transfer gossip: "My mum's just rang," writes Kimberley Jane Taylor. "Her former boss and now mate has a brother on the board of directors at Turf Moor. Apparently Big Brian Laws is about to sign someone very exciting... oh no, no he isn't because he has the imagination and managerial skill of a dead slug."
11.03am: "At the bottom of the Jamie Sheldon signing for Interblock shocker article," writes James Hammond, "there is this quote from Redditch manager Gary Whild:
'Yet again we have proved as a club that we can bring in good players and help develop them into better players, capable of playing at a much higher level. The record speaks for itself with the likes of Scott Dann, Mark Creighton, Exodus Geohaghan, Aman Verma and James Dance all listing Redditch Utd Football Club on their C.V.'
Did he run out of examples after Creighton and just start making names up?"
11.01am: SIX HOURS TO GO!!! (And half an hour for me until I pass the baton on to Simon Burnton, who'll sprint down around the bend and hand on to Barry Glendenning to bring the team home.) "Re. Didfielder. Surely those geniuses have merely invented a way of saying 'defensive midfielder' in a snappier "non-league football can be sexy too" kinda way," writes Jonny Mills. "Didfielder could catch on ..." It sound to me like a description of a very small box-to-box terrier, a contraction of "diddy" and "midfielder".
10.59am: "The scariest rumour I've heard (as a Villa fan) is that Owen is meant to be joining us," writes Silver Fox. "I'll admit we could do with another striker but not convinced Owen has what it takes anymore at the highest level." That one is certainly doing the rounds ...
10.57am: And speaking of Derby County, they've agreed a fee with Millwall for winger David Martin, [Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register].
10.55am: Inter and AC are preparing to swap Marek Jankuloviski and Alessandro Mancini according to reports in Italy.
10.52am: "Rangers are in talks with Dutch U-21 forward Kes Devaal who has been released by FC Groningen," reckons Michael Newmains.
10.50am: "This time last week I would have been happy to see the back of Clough and now in the last 48 hours he has helped us beat Forest and has assaulted their manager," writes Oliver Gamble. "Nice one Nigel! How about rounding it all off by making a couple of plum signings today..." The whole Rams-ex-manager-at-Forest/Forest-legend-now-manager-at-Rams has certainly added some spice to derby days in the east Midlands.
10.49am: Paris Saint-Germain have apparently failed with a loan move for Manchester United's Anderson, while Lyon are still sniffing around.
10.45am: Redditch United 'didfielder' Jamie Sheldon is [Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register]. I think Non League News 24 means midfielder.
10.39am: AND ANOTHER DEAL! West Brom have agreed a deal with Feyenoord to sign winger Andwele Slory for an undisclosed fee, according to the Dutch side. ""I am very excited to begin this new adventure," he says. "I've always dreamed of a foreign adventure."
10.36am: In answer to those last couple of emails: a) doesn't Kaboul play at full-back on occasion? and b) I'm not sure Mark Hughes would agree to it.
10.34am: "Not strictly about transfers I know, but I couldn't help notice this quote from Billy Davies after accusing Nigel Clough of booting him up the harris after Derby's win over Forest on Saturday: 'If he's happy to sit on an electric chair and tell a truth or a lie, then I'm happy to sit on an electric chair and we'll see what the outcome is, because I've got no doubt in my mind what happened,'" writes David Hopkins. "Is this hyperbole on his part, or would this draconian, Russian Roulette-style approach be good for the game? Wenger and Ferguson would be a bit quicker to admit their own players' misdemeanours if they were sat on Old Sparky while talking to Geoff Shreeves."
10.32am: "Not that I want to suggest that 'Arry Redknapp doesn't know what he's doing," writes Adrian Cooper, "but, given that he has regularly complained this season about not having enough injury-free defenders, why would Spurs be looking to ship out both Kyle Naughton and Alan Hutton - leaving Corluka as our only right-back? It's only a matter of time until two of Kaboul, Bassong and Dawson miss a match and, as great as Corluka is, I imagine even he would struggle to play both right-back and centre-back at the same time. Or is just to ensure that, come the summer, 'Arry can use his, self-inflicted, ongoing chronic shortage of defenders as an excuse to go shopping again?"
10.31am: Actual real transfer rumours from the Sky Sports News Yellow Ticker Of Doom: Wolves have made a £5m bid for Stephen Hunt and Benjani is in talks with Blackburn over a move.
10.25am: Here's Diomansy Kamara: "I'm delighted to sign for Celtic and I am very much looking forward to joining up with the manager and my new team-mates. Celtic is a magnificent football club. I will be looking to do my very best to contribute and bring the supporters success and hopefully enjoy a long future with the club."
10.19am: Forest are hoping to sign Roman Pavlyuchenko on loan, Aiden McGeady is going to join Birmingham and Arsenal's dismal performance against United means Arsene Wenger will make a cheeky bid for David Villa before the window slams shut. This is what happens when you [Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register].
10.14am: The closer the deadline comes, the more teams act like vultures, with Crystal Palace and Portsmouth chief among the rotting corpses at the side of the road. "One Premier League club offered £1.5m for Victor Moses and Nathanial Clyne," Neil Warnock revealed this weekend. That's like offering someone dying of hunger 50p for their trousers because they don't fit anymore.
10.07am: Tottenham are rumoured to have made a £2m bid for Watford stopper Scott Loach. He's an England U21, but I can't say I've ever been impressed when I've been up to Vicarage Road (not that I've been there this season). The Hornets want closer to £3m.
10.05am: "ALAN HUTTON HAS ARRIVED IN A CAR!" intones Sky's Man In The Snow At The Stadium Of Light.
10.01am: So, less than seven hours to go. Why does it feel like 77?
10.00am: Celtic have also completed the signing of 18-year-old Paul Slane from Motherwell.
9.58am: In the absence of any actual transfer news, what about [video=youtube;RhGsaJ6NPho]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7xvNc2fYXM"]this from Guti[/URL]. Assist of the season? And [Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register], Diomansy Kamara has joined Celtic on loan from Fulham and Edson Braafheid has apparently landed in Glasgow to finalise his move from Munich.
9.47am: Harry Redknapp says he's still after a goalkeeper, but only as back up for [Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register]. So that, presumably, would rule out David James and, another rumoured target, Ben Foster.
9.46am: "The local paper here in Melbourne is claiming Celtic's Scott McDonald is set to sign for Middlesbrough," writes Scott Sinclair. "Will uncannily mirror Afonso Alves in waist-measurement, work-rate and ability to find the back of the net, but probably not price."
9.43am: Geremi has joined Ankaragucu from Newcastle on loan.
9.40am: A quick trawl of clubs' official websites and their live deadline day coverage reveals that: "Things are pretty quiet in the Preston North End offices", that on this day in 1890 West Brom thrashed Burton 23-0 in the first round of the Staffordshire Cup and "As of 9:15 on Monday morning, the word from the Groundsman at Gigg Lane is that the pitch is fine."
9.34am: ANOTHER CONFIRMED DEAL! [Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register]. Yeah, that didn't really deserve those capitals did it?
9.33am: The Sky Sports News Yellow Ticker Of Doom heads into overdrive: Kyle Naughton, a player I (perhaps slightly bombastically) tipped to feature in England's 2010 World Cup squad when he joined Spurs in the summer, is close to a loan move to Middlesbrough and Alan Hutton might be on his bike to Sunderland.
9.29am pea mix controversy dept: "I think you should know that if my hairdresser's brother's [etc and so forth] greengrocer's cousin does indeed works in the chip shop opposite Anfield and reckons Ronaldinho has just popped in, he would refer to a "pea mix" as a "split" in Liverpool," notes David Crowther. "Pea mixes are the provenance of elsewhere in the north."
9.25am: "Nowt to do with rumours but... I'm always gob smacked that 'Arry Redknapp is seen as some great wheeler dealer, this is the man that paid money for Titi Camara less we forget," harumphs Andy Bradshaw. "When was the last time he bought someone for dirt cheap and made them into a star?" And doesn't Younes Kaboul look like The Rock? Yes, it is rather quiet.
9.19am: Stefano Okaka is training with Fulham today, according to those in the know. And James Howard is a worried West Ham fan: "Disappointed we can't afford Keane but definitely don't want Mido, [Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register]."
9.16am: You have to wonder whether Sky Sports News can keep up this intensity. Nothing is really happening yet EVERYTHING IS INTONED WITH NEEDLESS GRAVITAS. Something they haven't mentioned: Barcelona's Brazilian striker Keirrison will join Fiorentina on loan until June 2011.
9.15am: "I work just down the road from the Emirates, and I've just seen a school bus pull up outside," writes Daniel Obyrne. "This is either a school trip, or a completely new Carling Cup squad that Wenger is hauling in. I'll keep you posted with any updates."
9.07am: For an idea of what to expect today here's [Dear Guest if you would like to see the links or images then why not register now it is free.click here to register]. Sky Sports' Man Outside Fratton Park Since The Crack Of Dawn seems likely to be pretty busy.
9am: Morning all. Welcome to live coverage of today's deadline day action. Or, more likely, inaction. Every scrap of gossip and tittle-tattle will be here so if you're hairdresser's brother's doctor's receptionist's daughter's osteopath's widow's greengrocer's cousin works in the chip shop opposite Anfield and reckons Ronaldinho has just popped in for a pea mix (ask your friends in the North) and a can of Dr Pepper, then email to let us know. Equally, if you're furious that your side's vital signing, the one that's going to propel you into the League One play-offs, hasn't had a mention then give me both barrels.
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